October 2009
1 post
We've moved! →
Same great service. Different location.
http://spousalbanter.wordpress.com
September 2009
4 posts
Inbetweener
Setting... Chatting with wife on IM.
Husband: that would make 3 ways with people easier
Husband: male, female, inbetweener
Baby news updates
Setting... Texts I've received from my wife today.
Wife: Oh my god so much shit
Wife: The boy spat up into his nose so i had to suction. Then he sneezed and sneezed out a big loooong booger
Wife: My poo smells like the babys poo
Rubbing my chopsticks
Setting... Having dinner at a local, Chinese restaurant.
Husband: *takes out chopsticks, sees splinters, and scrapes the chopsticks together*
Wife: You aways do that.
Husband: No, I don't. I only did it this time because there were splinters.
Wife: No, you ALWAYS do it. Stop lying, all the time.
Husband: I swear, I rarely do it.
Wife: No.
Husband: Trust me. I've been with myself more than you have.
Wife: ...hahaha.
Jeezi-cut
Setting... Watching a "Hydroxycut" commercial.
Wife: Did you know that they had to change the formula for hydroxycut because it killed people.
Husband: *pulling his attention away from the laptop, and looks at the TV* Jeezi-cut. Uhhh...
Wife: Hahahahaha!
Husband: I meant Jesus Christ...
August 2009
8 posts
Inappropriate baby comment #3
Setting... Changing baby's diaper.
Husband: This sounds weird, but I've wanted to kiss him on the lips.
Wife: I KNOW!
Husband: I know it's wrong, but I just love him so much.
Hours later...
Wife: Maybe we should just do it once.
Husband: No!
Path of least resistance
Setting... Talking to wife days after her c-section.
Husband: Can I f*** your incision? I want to ejaculate straight into your uterus.
Digits
Setting... Looking at the baby.
Wife: Look at his cute little toes.
Husband: There's six of them!
Wife: What?! Oh... F*** you.
Inappropriate baby comment #2
Setting... Sitting on the bed, while the wife is breastfeeding on the rocking chair.
Wife: I've got these great nipples for sucking.
Husband: Tell him that again in 20 years.
Baby fusses, and doesn't latch on.
Wife: What're you, gay?
Inappropriate baby comment
Setting... Newborn is sleeping on wife's chest.
Wife: His mouth looks like a cock'n'balls.
Husband: *in disbelief* Huh?
Wife: His mount looks like a cock'n'balls.
Husband: *gets up to verify* You mean that and that? *pointing*
Wife: Yeah.
Gestating Hot-Spot
Setting... Sitting in bed, talking about our unborn child.
Husband: You think he wants to come out?
Wife: Never.
Husband: If I was in there, I'd never want to come out.
Pause.
Husband: So long as I had internet.
Wife: My uterus, now with free Wi-Fi.
And now the neighbors know...
Setting... Sitting on the bed, on the laptop.
Wife: *comes out of the bathroom, and announces loudly...* Want to see my two hemorrhoids?
Husband: *looks up from the laptop, at the open window*
Sonicare shit
Setting... Brushing my teeth with the sonicare toothbrush.
Wife: Alright, we're replacing that toothbrush head tomorrow.
Husband: Why? It's still good.
Wife: I'm gonna replace it tomorrow while you're at work, and shit on the old one so you don't fish it out the trash can and try to reuse it.
July 2009
5 posts
Fear factor
Setting... Lying in bed.
Wife: *holds up her hand to spank husband's bottom*
Husband: My balls hurt!
Wife: Huh? What? Why?
Husband: They hurt from fear.
Eavesdropping
Setting... Sitting at our desks in the office, reading blogs and stuff.
Husband: *staring over wife's shoulder. reading her LOLcats RSS feed.*
Wife: *turns her head and stares at me*
Husband: What?
Wife: *silence*
Husband: Did you hear me breathing?
Wife: Yeah.
Pump and dump
Setting... Eating dinner at a local diner with my pregnant wife... Taking about "pumping and dumping."
Husband: So, is it meant to save time or something?
Wife: *pause* Bahahahahaha!
Husband: *realizing he was thinking something way different* Oh... Right... it's to get coffee out of your breast milk...
Wife: *laughing away...*
Sudden violence #3
Setting... Lying on the bed, side by side.
Wife: Sometimes I just want to shove you off to bed to see if I could.
Wife-ism #1
Wife: Mmm... Cotton candy cookie.
June 2009
6 posts
What the pork?
Setting... Wife and I both awoken in the middle of the night... The scent of the litter box in the air.
Wife: *groggy and annoyed* It smells like poo.
Husband: *gets up to investigate, goes to bathroom with the litterbox and turns on the fan. sniffs around the house to figure out if the litterbox is the actual source*
Wife: What? Is it in here?
Husband: No... I don't really smell it here. *lies back down*
Silence, while we try to fall back asleep.
Husband: It's the pork! [in the crock pot]
Wife: *startled* Oh. I told you I hate when you make that here.
Husband: Yeah, I'll stop.
Persirpation and preference
Setting... Over IM.
Wife: I'm exhausted and sweaty.
Husband: Just the way I like you.
Empathy
Setting... Sitting on the bed, watching my pregnant Wife feed one of our cats some dental treats.
Wife: *watching Jackson wolf down the treats* Man... those must be really good.
Panic!
Setting... Chatting on IM.
Wife: What did you get me for our anniversary?
Husband: *OH MY GOD, OH MY F***ING GOD* Um, Anniversary? What are you talking about?
Wife: What did you get me?
Husband: ***WTF??? trying to remember...*** Huh?
Wife: Was it just the trip?
Husband: *doesn't know whether to be relieved or more confused* What?
Wife: *implies she's trying to remember so write it in her blog*
Husband: Oh. Oh! Jesus f***ing Christ. I just had a f***ing heart attack. I thought I forgot some anniversary of ours.
Wife: Hehe
Name recognition
Setting... Sitting behind wife who is sitting at the computer.
Husband: *reading the back of his wife's shirt* [So and so] was in your choir group?
Wife: Yeah. He was also in [some other choir group].
Husband: *continues to read* Oh, and [so and so] was in your group, too?
Wife: Yeah... How did you know that?
Husband: *still reading...* As well as [so and so]?
Wife: What the f**k? How do you know... Oh... F**k you.
Sex and danger
Setting... Wife is installing some curtains, while standing on a ladder with one foot because the ankle of the other foot was swollen.
Husband: *walking into the room* That seems unsafe.
Wife: You're unsafe. You're a broken condom.
May 2009
10 posts
Spooning
Setting... Lying in bed...
Wife: Sometimes I want to fart on you while you spoon me.
Husband: What?! Why?
Wife: Oh, no, not maliciously...
Anatomy
Setting... Lying in bed, saying our "good nights."
Husband: *reaches over in the dark, and pats wife's stomach* Good night, [enter baby's name here].
Wife: Umm... That was my butt.
Husband: *panics* Uhh, wait, which way are you facing? *feels around* You're all twisted! I was confused... Your face is up, but your butt is back, and uh, and uh... *braces for the worst*
Wife: Bahahaha, you thought my butt was my belly!
Button dog
Setting.. Lying in bed with my pregnant wife.
Wife: *sticks finger in her belly button* Since my stomach has gotten bigger, I can now feel the inside of my belly button. It feels like the inside of a hot dog.
Husband: Huh? Oh... Yeah. Yeah... I see that.
Wife: Want to feel it?
Frozen stiff
Setting... Eating a frozen yogurt.
Husband: How do you jam it in so fast?
Wife: I could ask you the same.
Now you see me
Setting... Fishing for laundry out of the dryer.
Husband: *looking for a shirt to wear while his cat, Jackson, rubs up against his leg out of nowhere* Oh, hey buddah, who's being all creepy-like?
Wife: *from the bathroom* Hehe, how is he being creepy?
Husband: *walks over to bathroom* He just came out of nowhere and brushed up against my leg. I'll show you. Look away.
Wife: *continues staring at Husband through the mirror*
Husband: *waits* I said look away. That doesn't mean... *stares at wife*
Sharing is caring
Setting... On IM.
Husband: Just got off the toilet.
Wife: Ok. Cool.
Husband: I feel like you don't give a shit.
Wife: Haha. You do!
Physical and emotional
Setting... On the bed, about to go to sleep.
Husband: I'm sorry I hurt your feelings, and for biting you.
OB/GYN
Setting... Talking about swearing.
Wife: When you talked to the baby (in Wife's stomach), you said shit a few times. It was funny.
Husband: Oh, oops. You know, I really don't consider shit a bad word.
Wife: Yeah, I don't have a problem with "swearing." I'm not sure how to approach that subject with our child.
Husband: What do you think about pussy?
Wife: Huh?
Husband: I mean, is that really a bad word?
Wife: Well, I guess.
Husband: Could a person use it in context without being offensive?
Wife: What do you mean?
Husband: What if your doctor (lady parts doctor) was like, "your pussy looks good today," after a check up?
Wife: Haha!
Oil change
Setting... Sitting at the Nissan dealership, waiting for our new car to be delivered.
Wife: See all this? That's what I'm talking about! *points at magazines*
Husband: What?
Wife: Look! *holds up some magazines* All sports and guy stuff.
Husband: Oh... Oh! *realizing a previous conversation*
Wife: Yeah, I hate taking the cars in for service. There's nothing for me here, and I feel like they'll rip me off because I'm a girl... What will it take for you to bring all the cars in for service?
Husband: *stares at wife, trying to think of something*
Wife: *stares back, also thinking*
Husband: *grins wide*
Wife: *cocks her head to the side, eying me* Okay.
Husband: *shocked* What? Really?
Wife: That's fair. An oil change for an oil change.
Word-ipulation
Setting... At a bank, getting a car loan.
Wife: *points at a sign that says "Assistant Manager."* They should put a space between "Ass" and "is" and "is" and "tant." And, they should put an "i" after the "a" in "tant."
Husband: What?!
Wife: Hehe. Ass is taint.
Husband: Oh... Haha.
April 2009
16 posts
Snorting and snotting
Setting... I'm sick. Wife is in the shower.
Wife: You coming in?
Husband: Hold on, I gotta blow. *blows nose*
Wife: *showering*
Husband: It must suck when someone that loves cocaine gets a cold.
Wife: Hehe
Clipped
Setting... Wife looking at her nails, while we sit on the bed.
Wife: Should I trim these? *holds out hands*
Husband: Yeah, do you want my clippers?
Wife: Yes.
Husband: Because they're better [than yours].
Wife: No, they're just better at this stage.
Husband: They're just better. *walks away to get clippers*
Wife: *presents middle finger*
Husband: They're also better for that fingernail, too.
Superman Je T'aime
Setting... Foreplay..?
Husband: I'll be Superman, and you be Lois Clark.
Wife: Lois Clark?
Husband: We're married.
Wife: ...and I took your first name?
Husband: Oh... damn it.
Unsolicited learning
Setting... In the car, pulling out of the drive way. Wife's door is still open.
Wife: Don't go!
Husband: Done-ko means asshole in Korean.
Italian food
Setting... Deciding where to eat.
Wife: What about Italian?
Husband: Yeah... that sounds good. Haven't been to Olive Garden in a while.
Wife: Okay. But you said you wanted meat.
Husband: Yeah, I can just get the mixed grill. What are you going to have? Pasta with white sauce or red sauce?
Wife: *grins*
Husband: You can have my white sauce.
Wife: Hehe
Husband: And, I'll have your red sauce.
Wife: Ew...
Heartburn and microphones
Setting... Wife is asking me for two tums for her heartburn. In our house, there is a specific way to ask, "can I have a microphone," short for, "can I have two tums and a microphone."
Wife: Can I have some tums?
Husband: What do you say...?
Wife: Please?
Husband: No... What do you say...?
Wife: Now!
Husband: *taken aback* First you go the nice route, and then full on mean?
Wife: Haha
Husband: *angrily* You were supposed to say, "can I have a microphone?"
Wife: Oh, yeah! Hehe...
From soft to hard
Setting... Having lunch, talking about Easter candy, specifically Peeps.
Wife: You were obsessed about getting them hard.
The struggle
Setting... Overheard from the bathroom.
Wife: It's too big. It's never going to come out.
Cat thoughts...
Setting... Laying in bed while the wife thinks aloud from the bathroom.
Wife: Do you ever wonder if cats wonder what farts are?
Husband: *bursts into laughter*
Wife: Like... *in (cat) character* what's that sound that humans make on the giant human litter bowl?
Sudden violence #2
Setting... Laying in bed with the wife.
Wife: I'm going to use your big toe to kill you with your belly button.
Pure gold
Setting... Driving home on the freeway, passing a sign that promotes "Cash for Gold!"
Husband: Do we have any gold?
Wife: No, I hate gold.
Husband: But... what if I want cash for gold?
Pause.
Husband: What if I could poop gold.
Wife: Then we'd be rich.
Husband: What if it really hurt to poop gold and there was a procedure to fix my condition.
Wife: Then we'd fix your condition. I don't want you to be in pain.
Husband: *thinks quietly*
Wife: What? You think I'd just let you suffer for money?
Husband: No, I was just thinking how strange the concept was.
Too few holes
Setting... Wife and I talking on messenger.
Wife: What would you liken having only two usb ports to? Having only two fingers?
Husband: I guess... Why, do you need more holes?
Wife: I do.
Marinade
Setting... Talking on IM with my pregnant wife.
Wife: Eat me!
Husband: You're marinated with baby.
Wife: Marinated?
Husband: Delicious.
Om nom nom
Setting... My pregnant wife and I after a shower (yes, we shower together).
Wife: *holding a breast* My nipples are nom factories.
Husband: *laughs*
Wife: *further inspecting her bosom* Man, the baby won't even able to put his mouth around the whole nipple.
Husband: HAHAHA *walks away*
Wife: *distant* How do I make these more like bottles?
Accidental gratitude
Setting... Leaving the in-law's house, and getting into the car.
Husband: *has an amazingly loud and satisfying fart and then looks over at wife* Thank you.
Wife: *bursts into laughter*
Husband: *stunned* Uhh, why did I thank you?
Multitask, damn it!
Setting... Wife is pregnant, watching TV.
Husband: I really need to do my bookkeeping.
Wife: Go do it, right now!
Husband: *begrudgingly* Oh, alright...
Wife: *5 minutes later, from the other room* Hey! Hey, what are you doing?!
Husband: *from the office* Uhh, my bookkeeping?
Wife: What?! Come here, be with me!
Husband: But... I'm doing my bookkeeping!
Wife: Why? Do it later.
Husband: But you just told me to do my bookkeeping!
Wife: Oh, right... Well, um, damn it.